Tags
AIDS, Apologies, Childhood, Coming Out, Death, Gay Pride, Growing Up, Neighbor, Stonewall
It’s June and people are celebrating Gay Pride across the world.
This weekend is the 45th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in New York City, which many point to as the birth of the Gay Rights movement.
Photo from learningoutloud.edublogs.org
Photo by David Carter
Today, I want to celebrate Ray
It was the early 80s and I was maybe 9 or 10. We had a next-door neighbor named Ray who was probably around 17 or 18 at the time.
Ray was gay.
I didn’t know what being gay meant. I knew Ray loved music — Donna Summers and Diana Ross. He shared his albums with me. He performed in the school theatre and acted out A Chorus Line for us in the backyard. He threw parties in his basement and he loved art. Ray encouraged my brother with his creativity. I also knew that my older brothers and their friends made comments under their breath, innuendos, made fun and although I didn’t understand I somehow knew I could make fun of Ray too.
We were on a bus trip, for church, I think. I sat near the back of the bus with a friend who liked to test limits and encouraged me to so as well. I was happy to follow her lead. Ray sat in the last row of the bus with his friends. Our parents sat at the front. Even though we were kids somehow my friend and I spent half of the ride home teasing and taunting Ray and getting away with it. We said things like “Ray, are you g—?” We’d say enough of that first letter, then duck down into the bus seat and giggle. We must have used variations of this rhyme again and again thinking we were so funny and clever.
Ray was upset, embarrassed. Two little girls humiliated him in front of his friends and he did nothing but contain himself for the remainder of the trip. When we got off the bus at the church parking lot he grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me behind some cars. His anger and hurt poured from him as he told me what he really thought and how he expected more from me. I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me go until he was finished letting me have it … and I deserved every word he spat at me!
I’ve thought of my deplorable behavior that day often and regretted it ever since.
We never spoke of that moment again. Ray and I went back to our usual interactions. The years passed, he moved away and I went off to college.
It didn’t take long for me to begin to realize who I was and to express myself. I came home after my first semester with pins all over my jean jacket — pink triangles, ‘Silence = Death,’ two women symbols side by side, ‘Question Everything,’ peace signs and more.
Ray was home too when I went next door to say hi. I wanted to talk to him, wanted to tell him what I had realized about myself, wanted to say ‘I’m sorry,’ but I didn’t have the courage yet. He asked about college and commented on the buttons but I kept the conversation superficial,
“College is good.”
“Yep, I’m learning a lot.”
“Good to see you too, bye.”
By then it was the late 80’s — the AIDS epidemic, fear, homophobia — coming out wasn’t as easy as it might be now. There were very few gay role models. As I struggled with my own identity and trying to figure out how to or if I should come out, Ray was dying of AIDS.
He passed away.
I never did apologize.
I never came out to Ray or told him what he meant to me. He was a role model. He lived his life, out and proud, no matter what others said or did, no matter how difficult. He was ahead of the rest of us and if he were here, I know he’d be happy to see how far we’ve come.
So this year, during Gay pride month, I wanted to write about Ray. I wanted to acknowledge how wrong I was, to apologize. I know I was a kid, but I still think it’s important to say it. And even more important I wanted to say, yes Ray was gay and he was Carlos and Margarita’s son, Edwin’s brother, he was our neighbor and a friend. He was a good person who died much too young. And he will never be forgotten!
Source: metrosource.com.s123317.gridserver.com
Stonewall Inn, 2014. Source: http://www.newslocker.com
Related Media:
http://mashable.com/2014/06/28/remembering-stonewall-riots/
http://www.advocate.com/pride/2014/06/17/stonewall-45-windows-lgbt-history?page=full
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/lgbt-rights-45-years-after-the-stonewall-riots/
Writing Pieces of Me 
Were Ray able to see this post, I think he would more than forgive you. It’s a lovely apology. Funny how something we did as a child can still haunt us years later. The events stay in our minds sometimes more clearly than events that happened only weeks before. Lovely of you to channel your memory into this.
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Carrie, you’re so right about how things can stay with you. I’ve held onto this and always wondered why I didn’t stay longer on that visit, why didn’t I talk to him? I’ve no doubt that he would have forgiven me if I’d have brought it up, but it’s the fact that I didn’t attempt an apology that’s bothered me. I thought now was a fitting time to put it out there. Thanks so much for the comment!
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This post took courage to write, but it’s a story that people, both gay and straight, need to hear. Thank you for sharing it.
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Thank you Naomi. I hesitated in sharing this, mostly due to my embarrassment at my own behavior, but I thought now was a good time to send my apology out into the world. It really was long overdue. Thanks for stopping by!
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Ray probably understood, and forgave you long before you even knew yourself. You were just a kid. A really touching, personal story, Arlene. RIP Ray.
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Thank you so much Alarna. I really appreciate your warm comments!
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Arlene, I think it’s really really important that you realized it and you are saying it now. Here. That takes courage and growth. I’m sorry you never got to tell Ray, but I’m sure somehow he knows and he appreciates this post. 🙂
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Thanks Kourtney, I’m sure you’re right. Funny how I’ve thought of this incident so many times and never have I let it enter my mind that Ray probably let it go a long time ago 🙂 Still, I’m glad I wrote about this and said I’m Sorry, now. Here. Thanks!! 🙂
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It’s weird how we carry things with us for so long and because they become such a defining moment to us, we don’t realize that others have let it go. It happened to me with a friend in high school. She had turned against me and done some really uncool stuff to me. By college I’d completely forgotten about it. But she carried it with her and apologized to me 15 years later. It was lovely of her to apologize, but I understood why she did what she did. Still it takes a lot to admit our mistakes and strive to be better. 🙂
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I have a feeling that Ray knew how much you really did care for him, despite what happened. He wouldn’t have bothered letting you have it if he didn’t think your friendship was worth it to him. I think you are courageous for sharing this story. Thank you.
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Thanks Kate. You are probably right. Sometime last week I watched the end of a movie on HBO about the AIDS epidemic in the 80s and this moment came right back to me. I thought this would be a good time to not only share the story, but to put my apology out there and celebrate Ray 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
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Others have already said it so well—Ray undoubtedly forgave you, understanding that your words that day were those of a young child who hadn’t yet learned how much our words can hurt others.
This post is a lovely way to honor his memory and all that he means to you.
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Thanks JM. Sometimes things stay with us much longer than they should and until we acknowledge them – outwardly – we can’t let them go. If Ray hadn’t passed, I have no doubt I would have eventually sat down with him and apologized and we would have moved on easily from there. It’s the fact that when I had the chance I wasn’t ready and when I was ready it was too late.
I know you and everyone else are right that he forgave me long before I forgave myself, but I felt the need to say this one out loud since I couldn’t say it to him and I’m glad I did. Thanks for stopping by.
Happy 4th!! 🙂
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Beautiful tribute in the form of an apology. Well done!
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Hi Arlene: We’re trying to step back into the blogging world after taking time off. What a lovely tribute to an incredible human being; two!! There are many regrets we carry with us in life. But it’s those amazing individuals that can let go and find ways to grow from them. You are a flower my dear that has done just that…grown. And though this may sound terrible to some, I feel that those childhood incidents for the Ray’s (for all of us) help to shape us into the warriors we become. You are a different girl now, a woman and Ray can see that now!!! Lovely post, sharing now. 😉 xoxo ❤
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Hi InM – it’s been some time! I too have taken a break from the blogging world. I actually wrote this last June … I can’t believe it’s been that long! Thank you for your kind and beautiful words!! I do hope you two are doing well and are writing on!!! 🙂
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