Who knows when you say goodbye, if it will be for the last time? In all of the thousands one says in a lifetime, how can you know which one means the end?
Unless, of course, you do know – your sole purpose for flying in from out-of-town after months of not seeing each other is to see each other, one last time.
Walking into the waiting room, somber faces of family and friends wondering if the end is near for the one they love. Tentatively making plans for a future that will never come.
Laughter and everyday chatter seems so out of place. The sounds of machines, beeps and whirs and wisps of air –
cries of fear –
cries of pain and loss –
sniffles from red, raw noses –
muffled voices –
trying to come to terms with reality.
A reality that doesn’t include the person, so loved, lying in that small bed covered in sterile blankets, gauze and medical tape – attached to tubes and sensors and wires and bags – she’s wafting away.
Bright yellow, cheerful walls. Wooden framed portraits of an autumn that will never fall upon her eyes again. Serene view of fog-filled sky over the Hudson River, houses climbing the hillside, sky-rises standing tall and proud, trees without leaves – but they’ll be back.
She won’t.
We visit, we talk, though there’s not much to say.
Can’t say, “Get well.”
Can’t say, “Take care of yourself.”
Can say, “It’s so good to see you.” And it is! And when it’s time to go –
time to say goodbye –
She is awake, alert, sitting up in bed.
Give a hug –
Blow a kiss –
So glad we got to see her like this, knowing the end will probably come quick.
And no matter how much we question:
Why?
We’ve come to accept this will be our last goodbye.
— For O.H.
Carrie Rubin said:
Very poignant and moving. Sorry to learn of your grief. Those last moments can be so precious.
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Arlene said:
Thanks so much Carrie. It was a difficult visit and I appreciate your thoughts!!
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Char said:
You caught the last goodbye so perfectly, Arlene. That’s how I felt the last time I got to spend with my grandma before her death. That heartbreaking ‘last’ sticks in your memory and heart forever, and is something to be treasured. And really, it is only the last goodbye for here. We’ll see them again and get to say hello again when we cross through that door called death.
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Arlene said:
Char, I know this is a universal experience that everyone can (or will eventually) relate to. Still, it’s so tough. I know you’re right, one day … 🙂 Thanks Char!!
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Kirsten said:
Arlene,
This is so heartbreaking, and so moving. I’ll click the like button for you, but know that what I really mean is ‘love’– for you and your precious family member.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful moment in your life.
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Arlene said:
Thank you so much Kirsten. I appreciate your kind words and sentiment!!!
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Beth Teliho said:
So beautiful. My heart is with you and your loved one.
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Arlene said:
Thanks so much Beth, I really appreciate it!!
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Deborah the Closet Monster said:
In light of last week’s posts, I spent a lot of time thinking how much I wish I could go back and be with my mom for her last few days. And yet, when I think about that, I can’t help but remember that last kiss . . . the simultaneous grief and thanks of knowing it for what it was, that I got a chance to give it and say my love, an opportunity I won’t always have.
Sending love.
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Arlene said:
Thanks Deb. And I am SO glad you had that moment with your mom. It is precious no matter how difficult!!! Thank you for always being so candid and open in sharing such a difficult time in your life!
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jmmcdowell said:
Wishing you comfort in your memories of wonderful times together, Arlene.
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Arlene said:
Thanks so much JM. I really do appreciate it!
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4amWriter said:
You have struck a beautiful chord of memories, Arlene. I’m so sorry for your loss. I am sending you comfort and peace.
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Arlene said:
Thanks Kate, I appreciate your kind words so much! They do bring comfort!!
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Naomi Baltuck said:
Dear Arlene,
This is a powerful piece. You have touched upon something universal.
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Arlene said:
Thank you so much Naomi. I appreciate your kind words!
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Kourtney Heintz said:
Beautiful Arlene. Goodbyes are awful. But you have made it a thing of beauty and truth.
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Arlene said:
Thank you so much Kourtney. It was one of those surreal moments where you experience it from the inside and watch it from the outside at the same time. Both difficult and yet universal. Thanks for your comments!
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Kourtney Heintz said:
Those moments are so hard. It’s almost like your mind can’t let you be completely there. That happened to me during 9-11 in New York. I hid behind my camera trying to capture what was happening around me so that it wasn’t just happening to me. Hugs!
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Inion N. Mathair said:
This was absolutely beautiful and moving, Arlene. Mathair and I are so sorry for your loss and we send our love and prayers to you and your family. Goodbyes aren’t easy, matter of fact, they’re the hardest thing a person will face in their lifetime. You penned that beautifully here. Literally brought a tear to our eye. Wish we could be there for you. Sending you love, peace and a comforting embrace.
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Arlene said:
Thanks so much! I know you both have unfortunately experienced too much loss so your words offer much comfort! I truly appreciate the support.
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Patti Hall said:
I know some of these moments and wish you comfort in yours. It is universal, but still hurts like it is only our pain. Found you through link on FB by the lovely ladies above…Inion N. Mathair. Hugs.
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Arlene said:
Hi Patti, Thanks so much for stopping by and for the comment. I do appreciate the support during a difficult and painful moment. InionNMathair are great! They are so supportive and super creative. Looking forward to stopping by your blog – love the name!
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Patti Hall said:
Thank you, Arlene. Oh, goody a new friendship:>)
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Mélanie said:
realistic and emotional or vice-versa…<3
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Arlene said:
Thank you and thanks for stopping over and commenting!
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