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I never knew my dad was full of such wisdom.
I don’t think I listened to him enough to notice … until recently. When I was younger, my dad was tough — he worked hard, had lots of side jobs and plenty around the house to keep him busy, along with 4 kids. On Saturday mornings when he had bills spread out on the dining table, I knew enough to stay away from him for the day.
He told bad Dad-jokes that made me and my brother roll our eyes around our friends. And with his thick Spanish accent, when he got really excited about a joke even we couldn’t understand what he was saying. We’d laugh along with him and later try to decipher the punch line.
He used to scold us if we were told to do house work and weren’t doing it to his expectations,
If you’re not going to do it right, then don’t do it at all!
I’m sure he’s not the only parent to ever use that line. Oh how tempted we were to stop what we were doing and just walk away, we’d make eye contact but we were never brave enough to bear the wrath we knew he could deliver. So we stepped it up and did the job the way he wanted.
During basketball seasons all through junior high and high school, he’d drive me to practice on Saturday mornings and he’d talk the whole way there. I’d say, ‘uh-huh’ when I was supposed to or ask a question to keep him going, but I don’t remember listening much. I remember wishing he’d hurry up and get there so I could go play ball.
We didn’t have the kind of relationship where I’d go to him for advice and ask him what to do. Actually, I rarely told him much at all, and when I did, it was just the big things — got a new job, bought a car, buying a house, etc. I didn’t tell and he didn’t ask. And we were okay with this …
Until a few years back when he needed surgery. My daughterly instincts kicked in … I was there, I did the research, I spoke to the doctors, I helped make sure he had his meds in order and I called 911 when he couldn’t breathe that first night home from the hospital. We were in the ER waiting room sometime around 4 in the morning. The things you see in an ER waiting room at 4 am are very interesting … but that’s a whole other story.
My dad kept his cool the whole time. He laughed about it, he reassured us that he was okay and he recuperated. And from then on, our relationship seemed to mature. We spoke more and I started to listen.
My parents just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. I spent the week with them in Puerto Rico. The night of their anniversary as we were getting ready to leave for dinner, my oldest brother asked, “So dad, what’s the secret to 60 years?”
He said 3 things:
Do things together — not apart.
And for 60 years, he’s tried to do a lot of things with my mom. Of course work and other commitments made them do things on their own, but since retirement they do almost everything together.
Then he said,
Don’t play with fire.
Of course that one makes sense. And he followed with,
And if she says, ‘I want a new watch,’ buy her a watch.
My brother and I looked at each other and we laughed as he brought his voice up a few octaves and imitated my mom,
“I need a new watch.”
“Why, what happened to your old watch?”
“Oh I don’t know, I can’t find it.”
“Okay, then let’s go buy a watch.”
We all laughed and I got it. He wants to make her happy and keep her happy … that’s his recipe for a long and successful marriage. I guess I need to pay closer attention to what he says. I never realized he was full of such wisdom. And now that I know his secret, I also know why my mom has so many watches.
Johney said:
“If you’re going to do something-do it right, or don’t do it at all.” Famous words of my father also. 🙂
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Arlene said:
I bet they all say that, huh? 🙂 Did you ever take him up on the offer of not doing it all? I can’t imagine what my dad would have done! I should ask him to see what he would say. That might make for another good blog post! Thanks for stopping by Johney 🙂
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Johney said:
Are you kidding me? No, I did it his way 😉 It did instill in me a strong work ethic though. Between him and my mother’s ‘ocd’; I became a perfectionist. It has its perks as well as faults. LOL Anyway, your father’s advice on doing things together is great. He sounds like a true romantic 🙂
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Arlene said:
Johney, I just had to ask. Would make for a good story if you had. But your right I have to thank both of my parents for a strong work ethic!
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Johney said:
LOL …I think you should ask him. I’d like to read that blog! 😉
It’s funny how our perspectives change as we grow older..I to often catch myself saying or comprehending the things my parents said or felt. & my kids probably just feel the way I did about it lol
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Carrie Rubin said:
What a wonderful piece. I love your father’s marriage advice, especially since I’ve passed the 1/4 century marriage milestone myself. Congrats to them on their 60 years! Wow!
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Arlene said:
Thanks Carrie and congrats on your milestone as well! Just think how many watches you and your hubby could collect over the next 35 years 🙂
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Carrie Rubin said:
I’ll be the most prompt person ever!
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char said:
Awesome post, Arlene. Your dad is a wise-guy (and I mean that in the best way since he is full of wisdom). I love his advice to do things together, not apart. That is so true.
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Arlene said:
Thanks Char. Actually, he is a bit of a ‘wise-guy’ too and I’m sure he would appreciate your play on words! 🙂
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jmmcdowell said:
Your dad has it right, doesn’t he? And it’s amazing how, as we children get older, the wise ones among us come to recognize our parents’ wisdom. Congratulations to your parents on 60 years together, and may they have many more wonderful years together.
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Arlene said:
Thanks so much for the wishes for my parents but also for call me a ‘wise one’ … not sure I can get too many to agree with that one, so I’ll take it 🙂 Isn’t it amazing how our perspective changes, widens, and grows? Whenever I find myself about to say things like, ‘if only I knew that when…’ or ‘when I was your age …’ I just shake my head, chuckle and think of my parents who, probably like all parents, predicted I’d get to that point eventually.
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Inion N. Mathair said:
This post was pulling at my hearstrings Arlene, making me remember my daddy. What a beautiful post. My father passed away five years ago & I’ve missed him so much. However, I felt the very same as you. As a teenager, I never really got him. I guess all teenagers feel that generational gap. But as you wisely pointed out. When we get older, we begin to see them for what they truly are….wells of wisdom. And sixty years. That deserves a standing ovation. In this day & age when divorce is like a right of passage, & divorcee’s carry their ex’s like triumphs, it’s unheard of to hear of married couples making it for six months let alone sixty years. That in itself is utterly romantic, without the lovestory behind it. Add that to the picture & I do believe you have the makings of a phenomenal book! As you were telling the story, I could see in my head, a mantle with watches sitting on them; Timepieces from every decade; landmarks of their love & life together. Ahh Beautiful.~ Now, on another note. Inion & I have nominated you for: The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award. So when you have a chance, just head on over & grab your award! & congrats sister!
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Arlene said:
Inion N. Mathair, thank you SO much for the award!! I really appreciate it — that makes my day 🙂
I also really appreciate your kind words and support of my writing and the stories I share. Thank you – Thank you – Thank you!
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PLUGOartsPLUGO said:
I remember a few incidents of “not doing it at all.” Some of the time getting away with that simply meant more work for father, which in retrospect, was a disservice to the both of us. Of course, it would take decade to recognize that.
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Arlene said:
You always were more daring at challenging him than I was, I should have known you might have taken the “not doing it all” approach at least once or twice. Hmm, based on your response I see some of that wisdom has rubbed off on you 😉 xo
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PLUGOarts said:
Reblogged this on PLUGO arts and commented:
Having just recently celebrated 16 years in a long term relationship (by getting Tattoos together) I’m in awe of my folks celebrating 60 years. I thought I would share my Sister’s poetic musings on the matter.
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jennifermzeiger said:
My Dad’s saying has always been “do it right the first time so you don’t have to do it again.” He never gave us the choice to walk away. =) He probably knew one of us kids would test that ultimatum. =)
Congrat’s to your parents for 60 years. That’s impressive.
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Arlene said:
That’s a pretty smart way to phrase it, there is no other option but to get it right. I like that approach 🙂
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Kourtney Heintz said:
Aw your dad sounds awesome. I love those three simple rules for a happy long marriage. It’s wonderful that you connected so much later in life when you could truly enjoy each other!
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Arlene said:
Thanks Kourtney, he sure does make it sound simple, doesn’t he? I am glad that our relationship has moved to this level. I think once he retired and was under less stress he changed, mellowed and I grew up 🙂
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Kourtney Heintz said:
He really does. I think maybe we overcomplicate things. It’s funny how we can befriend parents as we get older. So happy for the shift. 🙂
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Naomi Baltuck said:
Dear Arlene,
This is so beautiful, and so funny, and so well written! I had to read it to my husband of thirty years, and she said, “That is really sweet!” Thank you so much for sharing this story.
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Arlene said:
Awww, thank you Naomi – for reading, for sharing and for you and your husband’s kind words! 🙂
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4amWriter said:
Arlene,
This post brought tears to my eyes, and I laughed out loud at your last line. What a wonderful tribute to your dad, and to your parents’ life together. Thanks so much for a great start to my day. 🙂
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Arlene said:
Wow and thanks so much for giving me a great start to my day!! What more can a writer want but to make you feel something (other than boredom) when you read my words? 🙂 Thanks again Kate. So glad you stopped by!!
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Denise Hisey said:
That was awesome, Arlene! I loved that little peek into your family life. It’s funny how much smarter parents get when we get older, isn’t it? LOL
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Holistic Wayfarer said:
Just precious.
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Jae said:
Smart man. 🙂 I love dad words of wisdom. Glad your folks are still together. What a great legacy they’ve created for you and your siblings. And it sounds like they had to work for it, which it seems a lot of couples these days forget. Thanks for sharing!
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Arlene said:
Thanks for stopping by Jae. Yeah, I’m amazed at how lightly people enter into marriage and how quickly they turn to divorce as the answer. I would never begrudge anyone the decision to get a divorce, of course, and maybe it’s how often we hear about celebs getting married and divorced that makes the significance of marriage seem to diminish. But then you see people like my parents and so many others that value that commitment and make it through and it’s inspiring! 🙂
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Jae said:
All I have to say is Amen. 🙂
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